I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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