I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
