Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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