Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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