This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
