It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he fucked my hip out of place.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
