This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize