Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
