Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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