Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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