dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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