Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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