I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
wow bdsm is so cute
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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