She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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