I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
