Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
