if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
