I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
