hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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