My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
