here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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