break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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