turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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