Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
