Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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