I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
