Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
