Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
