Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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