Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
