just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize