it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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