Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
