I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
