And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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