he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
