i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
