You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
