tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
