I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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