Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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