life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
