Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
