Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize