So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
