My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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