Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
