I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
