i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
