I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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