I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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