remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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