So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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