mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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