mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
