You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
