smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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