i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
