from now on my penis is your penis
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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