im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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