I need to stop coming to work sober
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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