I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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