He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
