So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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