i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
