I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
im holly from the hills drunk
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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