Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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