I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
