and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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