i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
