I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We have so much sex to catch up on
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
