I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
